Feb 29th

FARKS AND SCHNACKLES

By monty stone

another pet peeve of mine is 'instruction' manuals. my 1961 suzuki came with a booklet 'hints and tips of how to ride the motorcycle', it contained such usefull info as 'beware of the mud-puddle for  there-in lurks the 'skid demon'. and 'if a horseman hoves  into view, toot melodiously upon the horn'. if he does not heed, shout 'hi' with loud voice. if he still does not heed, dismount and smoke a cigaret, until he passes.   my hirth engine manual reccomended considering running the engine for the first ten hours on the ground, also at a major service change the crankshaft and 'all other components', sound advice. my cosmos  wing manuals have all stressed the importance of securing the 'farks and schnackles', properly. and that 'no more than 8mins are required to assemble the wing. (it takes me that long to decide which bag zipper to pull on). are french mins like dog years, 7 to 1?    my northwing wing manual ignores how to fold the wing for transport and storage, though it did have nice glossy color pictures of kamron doing stuff in seconds that takes me most of the morning!   my $7 alarm clock came with a comprehensive manual, in 7 different languages,(including swahili, why would a swahilian wanna get up early?)with the first 9 pages warning of the legal and hazardous  consequences of licking the electrical components while plugged in, or during an electrical storm. i thought every one knew not to lick ANYTHING during an electrical storm!. well, almost anything!. my multi-$ new refrigerators manual   assures me that the light WILL turn off with the door closed!  how can i be sure! dammit, why,why, can't 'they' get it right!.... Freazier Ballsoff. (my new pseudonim)..................ps i can't die yet, theres still a few  people i haven't pissed off !

Feb 19th

Tool-Ed

By monty stone

Many tools don't come with instructions, this may help.                                  Phillips screwdrivers. they come in several forms, (like cheese) sharp, medium and blunt  They are designed to tear out the top of any screw head ,  also, they can be used to open a brake fluid container, use the sharp one, the blunt one's cause squirted fluid to land  onto the closest painted surface. Electric drills are  used to see how fast a pop-rivet can be spun before the hole will need the next size rivet , also can be used to turn chinese drill bits a really pretty blue. Vice -grips can be used to change round tubing into flat strip removing that empty space in the middle ,also to clamp stuff to other stuff in order to drill the wrong size holes in the wrong place, again. Portable grinders are excellent 'eye-ball' finders, also ear-hair and grease-soaked rags can easily be reached by the pretty sparks, .Guards usually get in the way so are removed before use, then are lost. Chisels are configured  to guide the first few hammer blows to get your fingers. A drill- press. should be powerfull enough to jam a drill bit into something you are holding  by  your (soon to be a bloody stump), hand, begin a fast spin, near your belly, family jewels or chin, (depending on your height), finally that something flyes off across the shop seeking the most expensive stuff to hit, failing that,   goes instead  through the window into your neighbors driveway  (the one you don't like) hits his classic  Jugo, causing $30 in damage, almost totalling it . Air wrenches are used   to break bolts,  and making really cool sounds,(like a tire store) Wheeee...Wheeee!. A tool box, is a place of mystery where the tool you searched for yesterday, and couldnt find, appears today, right on top.  also, any adhesives in your toolbox, burst open and spread all over, and cure, glueing all your favorite tools together in one big lump. ( ask me how i know). any tool put in a drawer will swell, that's why the drawer wont open again, till the swelling goes down.  Box cutters are designed to cut really deeply into  whatever it was that came in a protective cardboard box. Wire strippers will cut BOTH wire and plastic till the wire is now too short.  Hose cutters can be relied on to cut hoses a little bit shorter than you wanted. Hammers,  handy gadgets for bending nails, and putting dents in stuff. Twelve-point sockets can be made out of worn- out six point sockets, then re-badged as 'Whitworth Barn find Sockets'. Rotating wire wheels are used to remove finger-prints( from fingers) and to fling little bits of wire into eyeballs. Magnets are handy to remove little bits of wire from eyeballs, and to have fun with grandma's pacemaker. Hacksaws can be relied on to cut anything,  but not straight. Electrical testers are used to 'let the smoke out' of any device that it's hooked to. can also be used to start a fire, without matches. Funnels, little end down, usually. i hope this helps to enhance our 'tooling around'. monty ps, if the handle of your soldering iron gets hot, hold the other end, instead. ( tuss....... )

Jan 27th

the life of thread ? (not brian!)

By monty stone

i have two wings, the original 12m chronos , 1993, and a 15m northwing maverik, appx 200hrs. i,m flying the maverik on my cosmos echo  here in arizona, where i winter ( ain,t i a lucky bastard!). i have to tie it down here in the desert , my home-made wing covers (made from some $1 per yard cotten, ) over the wings. i hang empty plastic milk jugs all arround the edges to keep the covers on. i used to put water in 'em but with the covers frequently wet with dew the extra weight wasn't needed. (till the wind blows!). even though the material is soft it still seems to abrade the stitches (aided by the dust). some of which show fraying. i paint the leading edges of both wings black and yellow, plus the two outer wing panels, partly for visability, partly 'cos yellow is the fastest color! the paint stiffens the maverik leading edge panel and it SEEMS to climb better, that could be the yellow too! i use water based latex which dries very quickly, covers well ,sticks like shit to a blanket, and adds very little weight, 1 pint only. sometime ago i built a 'bettsywhanger wing rippa' (i posted pics here), and tested my 'test panels' stitched to the rear of the wing. couldn't rip it, but i lack the 'gonadia' to try it on my stitches! (especially the 'wounded' ones). i don't have any parameters to  compare it to. i'm sure the 'purists' out there will castigate any moron that would fly with 'frayed' anything, and maybe i'm overplaying the 'wear and tear' on the stitches. i do look at the 'worn ones', as well as 'kicking the tires before 'most' attempts to aviate, and not much change is apparent to the fraying. i'll stick my scrawney neck out and ask " why not paint the UV damage - prone top surface when new with some kind of protective 'paint' that would delay the UV onslaught? the weight would be significant, but on a 100# wing wouldn't be a dealbreaker, though the passenger seat warmer might have to go! i'm thinking more of single surface 'dacron' not the 'high budget' fast wings out there, obviously they 'ain't covered with 'bed-sheet' cloth! my 12m chronos, although celibrating its 23rd birthday is still 'stiffer than a wedding dick', and when i tried my 'wing-rippa on it all that happened was the needle hole stretched a bit, no ripping. i believe it is 'trilem' or something like that, i think it's used to make french chastity belts .i haven't, (and won't ) tried to rip the stitching after all what would i achieve with out 'factory' figures to compare to. i have no idea what wing stitch material is, it well could be cat-gut for all i know! if any one out there in trike-land, oops! flex-wing-dom, has tried painting his wing, results? replacement ain't gonna happen, i'll run what i brung, (unless theres an abandoned revo, (low hours) out there somewhere! (preferably yellow). hugs and farts, monty (not python!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dec 17th

bah humbug!

By monty stone

seasons greetings ( politically correct ) and merry christmas to all 'floppy-wing' fliers, and if you've been good, there just might be a bright shiny new 'revo' under your tree, monty. ps. i thought i was wrong once, but i was mistaken.

Dec 6th

the project

By monty stone

one day, i had an idea. i went out into the garage and built it. the end.

Oct 30th

"chu are in a lot off trobble" ( second bit, not first bit)

By monty stone

where was i, oh yeah, the hit swung me down off the road into the rocks, cactus and pucker brush carelessly left alongside my landing strip.  as soon as my neurons advised me i was gonna die i activated plan 'ohshit' and gassed it hard (at least as hard as a 377 rotax can gas it!), and swung hard right up onto the road just in time to smack my right ( hitherto undamaged) wing into another sign planted alongside the other side of the road , also cunningly desguised as 'alluminum cactus' . (now, in my defense i was only 58yrs old so my logic systems hadn't kicked into the maturity phase, like they are now). i have this entire debacle recorded on tape, boy i used really bad language at that time! anyhow i taxied to the intersection where my buds, ( with my fresh underwear, etc.) showed up followed by an orange pickup with a big orange gumball light on the roof flashing away. you guessed it, the CAA commandante, anxious to meet me!. "why you land on the road", " chu are in a lot off trobble" he demanded. with unusual mental alacrity i answered, " commandante, sir, i had an in-flight emergency, both my wings started to fall off". i showed him both wings with bent and twisted bolluminum tubing, with ripped bedsheet everywhere. he acknowleged that there was indeed reason not to be  flying this device. (there also was a minimum $50 landing fee at the airport.). he said "can you taxi it? i readily agreed, he continued " but chu most wait for a police car, or" chu will be in a lot off trobble." i took the wing off tied it with bits of wire alongside the keel, then found the c/g so far aft the nose wheel was in the air, so i tied a 5g fuel can (full) under the rotax. the cop car showed up, a nice one (for the time) it had all the doors and headlights etc, (this was before hillery's husband came up with nafta and equipped all mexican cops with new white dodge pick ups. i'm proud to be american!). our motley crew set off for town, 9miles, the cop car, lights and siren blareing, a wingless ultralight follwed by a string of gringos on bikes and atv,s.  spectators didn't seem to be unduely alarmed by this spectacle, so it must occur frequently. the cop would't go quite fast enough and my prop was getting really close to his shiny trunk lid, i had no brakes so did the only thing i could. i shouted " onderlay! onderlay". i dunno what it means but he did speed up a bit. i only had rudder one way due to the wing laid alongside it so, with the by now fairly strong crosswind  control was 'iffy' , but eventually we made it to the motel, where i thanked him and gave him $20 for his skilfull 'herdsmanship. and it was a lot less than a new prop and a cop's trunk lid, yep, i woulda bin " in a lot off trobble" monty
                            

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Oct 30th

"chu are in a lot off trobble" ( part one, first bit, duh, me)

By monty stone

i've ridden dirt bikes in baja, mexico, since 1984, so when in 1993 i announced that i was 'gonna fly my weedhopper ultralight down the 1000mile peninsular no-one figured it worth advising a'gin it. (my mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts). after all, haveing an IQ and hat size similar explains the logic behind this decision. my 'hopper' was duly tied on top of a trailer load of bikes and atv,s with the 2 blade prop secured horizontally to avoid damaging any over-passes on the 1500mile road trip from seattle to san felipe, baja, mex. on arrival in san felipe we unloaded the trailer and while my buddies were busy quaffing mexican beer and watching i 'erected' (it did take close to four hours, shoulda sought medical advice!) my weedhopper' flying surfaces, pretty simple no aelerons to screw with  and with no parts left over decided to test fly it. the temps were arround 100deg f and the black anodized tubing almost too hot to touch the assembly was not fun. my chosen runway was a patch of fairly flat dirt along side some BIG bushes, behind the motel. i never saw the large rock but my left wheel did, the hit swung me (and the plane) hard left into a really big bush. now that 8ft mexican scrub bush had never been attacked by a big prop spun by a 30hp 377 rotax before so amidst a big shower of woodchips etc, i contined the takeoff. my admiring buds renamed my plane 'weedwacker'. (refer to the single digit IQ for this decision!) i wobbled arround the area, unknowingly exciting the local CAA commondante, who, i learned was 'anxious to meet the 'flying gringo'. i landed and paid a local $5 to hide my plane behind a big wall alongside the motel. the next morning my buds and i lined up on the blacktop road outide the motel, which, though rougher than the dirt didn't have bushes and rocks on it. BUT it did have lots of wires overhead, about every 30ft. i couldn't see a gap big enough to squeeze through so swung hard right between two big wooden utility poles and  over relatives of the bush that i had attacked the day before. i climbed up to 300ft, to clear the 299ft sand hill alongside the road and pointed the sharp end south. i had a cb radio strapped to my leg, and with typical msms (monty stone's moronic stupidity) had not tried it with the engine running. couldn't hear a thing, except 'seized up!'. well. my buds were carrying my spare underware etc on their bikes, so i had to try a rescue! by now the breeze was picking up off the water, sea of cortez, gulf of mexico,  so i set it down on the spur road signposted 'the san felipe international airport'. i was kind-of target oriented on the center line of the rather narrow road, completely ignoring the powerlines alongside the road . (i hadn't seen em, more MS.) I set down. that's when a big road-sign, cunningly disguised as an alluminium cactus reached out and grabbed my left wing tip. cont....

Jul 10th

almost goproless

By monty stone

the preflight went ok, the parts i landed with last week were still there. i mounted my new $65. adventure x4 gopro knock-off camera looking backwards, (i can then see where i,ve been!) i screwed my go-pro to the side of my brain bucket,( no tether) then taxied over to 11/29. on the way i swung my bar forwards, backwards and left and the 'other' left, i felt a 'twang' as a stay wire hit the go-pro, i briefly considered checking it, but 'moronic stupidity' won and i proceded with plan A to take off. no adventure flight no 'trike-abatics, no spirals or ,tumbles, just a few laps around the area, then landed on the 'big plane' runway taxied to my hanger,shut down, took my helmet off to turn my gopro off, it wasn't there, gone! no longer mine! now i'm blessed with an excellent memory, though it doesn't last long! did i mount it? is it still in my bag? nope, not in the bag,the clamp screw was in and tight! WTF! then i remembered the 'twang'. i trudged along the taxi-way, then i saw this little silver speck in the distance . yep there was my little gopro,laying on it's back, stareing lifelessly (sniffle) with it's one little eye aimed  at the sky it would never again witness,(more sniffling) but wait! sos was on it's screen! i hit the power button, it works! a tiny scratch ( 'tis but a scratch!) the only evidence of being callously thrown to the blacktop. tetherless. i learned from this, make SURE the clamp screw 'goesinta' ALL the holes, and let the stay wire 'twang' the camera,(at least once!) before take-off. if it hadn't been 'twanged' it would have gone through the big fan, in flight, with all the 'inconvenience' of a prop strike. the 'knockoff' x4 seems to work fine, easier to program than the gopro, and accepts the 'cheapo' cards, the gopro won't, i don't anticipate throwing it to the blacktop yet to test it's 'gopro toughness', maybe next week! monty

 

 

Dec 11th

'it's a little airyplane'

By monty stone

i frequently trailer my trike, and often, inquisitive earthlings ask 'what is it'?  well, trike don,t cut it. their little kiddie has a trike, and it don't fly!  using fed-speak 'flex-wing' only makes it seem dangerous! so, i usually tell 'em 'it's a little airyplane', which seems to satisfy the average proleteriat, but one little snot-nosed pre-adolescent asked 'who flyes it for you? obviously his part-formed logic-center (centre to my anglo buds)  couldn't equate how a pot-belly, bald, funny-talking octogenerian could possibly master this fearsome array of tubes and wires, when i admitted " i do" he walked away muttering 'lying old coot! another time when i was busy 'fettling' my trike a feminine  voice behind me said  "it's bigger than i expected". well! it's been a LONG time, if ever, that i,ve heard similar words! the voice belonged to a little old lady out walking her dog, which had not stuffed its snout into my crotch, nor had 'it' tried to hump my leg, so i didn't know she was there. she lived locally and said she enjoyed watching me fly my 'little airyplane' and that it 'looked like fun'. i agreed, it was fun 'flying my little airyplane'.. ps. for the non-anglophiles 'fettling' refers to tightening the swathes of baleing wire applied to those parts most likely to fall off, also wrapping another layer of duct-tape to any weather ravedged tape already applied to cover something we would rather not see any more, etc.  pps. some years ago  we 'trike drivers' had a lively discussion as to what it is that we fly. hardly anyone suggested 'flex-wing', but that's what we're stuck with. so be it.  but i still like to think i fly 'a little airyplane' it's more fun that way.  ppps i remember when SEX was fun and FLYING was dangerous! but, now.....                       monty

Nov 13th

my 2 cents. or sex at 79!

By monty stone
i just took a leaflet out of my mailbox informing me that i could have sex at 79!  i'm so happy because i live at number 81 , so it's not too far to walk home afterwards, and being on the same side of the street i won't even have to cross the road afterwards!  ..............hugs monty